Hello,

I’ve been heavily inspired by various materials I have been consuming in the past couple days. This has really prompted this probably erratic sounding blog entry. Today’s vibe is giving existential life crisis-esque.

Guys who are we?

Genuinely not to go all poet on you, but I’m having a sincere identity consultation with myself. In general, probably bi-annually I will think deeply about who I am, where I’m headed and what ethos I’d like to sustain in pursuit of this being of mine. Not really in pursuit but more so just existing. I guess, there’s so much I want to demystify – baggages associated with society, within myself. Like the need I have to be validated by those around me. Like the persistent feeling that I am not that worthy of what I’ve achieved in past. Like the notion that being better than others is virtuous, even subconsciously or without explicitly admitting so. These factors, I hope, will drive a current of intention and fulfilment in me. That to be whole and full in oneself can be concurrent with not achieving what is externally valued. That failure is good, in more ways than it is harmful. That my mistakes, once they have occurred, are no longer mistakes but mere instances that require a different pathway to my later goal. That avoiding immensely negative loaded terms like mistakes and failure isn’t dismissive or in denial, but protective of our mental vertebrae that cripples in self pity and self deprecation when we say ‘failure’. I’m not saying you can’t say you failed, just I’d like to stop the thought process that denigrates me after I have ‘failed’. That the motion of failure and mistakes is anything but constant, but formative only of us at that time. And how many variables implicate our ability to not fail? How much of them do we truly consider in the immediate self wallowing after a mistake?

It’s funny because you might assume I have made some massive life mistake that has rendered me ‘deeply reflective’ of the coined term failure. Actually I’ve hit an achievement. in my life that I’m pretty chuffed about. In truth, the associations grouped with me, post this achievement, have irked me. The generalisations attached, the certain position it has now afforded me in peoples minds as many things that may not be me, but just their perception of the achievement. When I had made a failure, it was as though these people had naturally done the (deeply flawed) human thing of again grouping me with some other bad flaked assumption. I’m sick of it truly. Living and existing with purpose gives us the range to dissociate from harmful and divisive modes of judgement. It grants us the care free quality of rejecting farcical attempts at deducing someone’s intellect, or moral standing from a single achievement of failure. It gives us the ability to live and coexist expansively, tending room to those who aren’t doing well. Subverting ‘Aren’t doing well’ to simply not doing well yet. Truly giving people the teaching and educative space to reach their said goal, later and not amalgamate human perception of achievement with the inherent value of the achievement itself. I’m sick of human perception because it’s skewed and riddled with fallacies.

Let’s just be. Intentional and full in that being. If I achieve a goal today, great! Tomorrow also great! 10 years later, that persistence is astounding. We humans far too, burden ourselves with the age old, time-restrictive, life-restrictive grovel story. Being full conscious and accepting of everything that happens, funnels us into acceptance of failure, and subsequent improvement. To acceptance of losing something, and eventual gain of both valued intel on grief/loss and appreciation for said thing. Having the acceptance just removes the perceived distraught we associate with downfall, as only a small percent is actually emotionally induced – but rather a mental phantom cycle of thoughts.

I’m sick of phantoms, and people with views on me I can’t control, and heightened paranoia, and late night frenzied fears of not being worthy of accolades, and then not achieving enough. I simply wish to be, and as close as I can get to a lifestyle of being – I make every intention of doing so, and I really hope you consider why you should too.

An outtro feels odd after I self-professed. all my shower thoughts/genuine deep reflections. But have a great week I guess!